Infertility has changed me. I can try to be positive and say how it has made me better, more realistic, more mature and more aware of the gifts life may or may not give us. But I think infertility also often affects me in a negative way. It has made me more insecure, less enthusiastic, less motivated, and it has made me doubt about my job and the life choices I have made so far.
All this is really complicating things now that I have an unexpected really important job interview. I thought I’d have a bit more time to prepare but that is not the case.
I have been preparing for the whole day and will continue tomorrow, but so far it’s been impossible to prepare the answers to questions on me. The answers that come to my mind are really no good.
- What is the best thing about you? It used to be really easy to pick between stuff like motivated, hard working, reliable and enthusiastic. But what now that I have lost motivation, I work a lot less because I spend time researching and reading stuff on infertility, I’m not reliable because, even if I do my best to avoid it, I’ll take a sick leave or time for medical tests in the middle of deadlines and I am definitely lacking enthusiasm.
- What’s the worst about me? Infertility! It has taken so much out of me, made me so emotional, sad, and unenthusiastic and despite all efforts for avoiding it dominating my life, it does. But I can’t really say that, can I?
- Why should we pick you? You should not pick me: I’m an emotional roller coaster, I need time and flexibility to see doctors, I’m grumpy if the morning scans don’t go the way I expected/wanted, I can occasionally lock up myself in the bathroom to cry until I get over the next failed IVF and find ways to hide and have power naps in the middle of the day when I’m on progesterone because makes me super tired.
Maybe if I stopped being so negative and so harsh on myself, I could see the other side of the coin. I could see how I’m still fighting for this job, for having a life besides infertility, how my motivation shows from me being here revising all week-end, how I wake up early for scans and blood test so I can minimize the disruptions of treatments on work, how I’m so hard working that I bring work stuff whenever I know I have a long wait at the doctor’s, how I’m a good team player and try to smile and be nice to people even on days when I just want to avoid the world, how they should pick me because I deserve it, because I do a great job despite all this stuff I’m going through. These are also examples I cannot give. So I guess I’ll just have to find more standard stuff I can say.