Goodbye 2012. Welcome 2013.

A year ago, I was terrified because I had found out I would never be able to get pregnant naturally. I said goodbye to 2011, full of hope that 2012 and the technology it came along with would enable me to have a baby. 2012 is coming to an end and I now know these reproduction technologies do not work for everyone. Not for us at least. (Not yet?)
2012 is getting to its end and I feel no expectations or hopes for 2013. Do I really have no hopes or do I just not want to allow myself to hope?
I feel like I have made enough mistakes in setting up wish dates: I’ll be pregnant by the time I’m 30, by the end of 2011, by the end of 2012, maybe I’ll be pregnant by the time my friend has her second, or before this or that other friend. By now I know this only makes my failures and other people’s successes harder to hear… So I don’t want to think that 2013 will be the year. Of course deep down I hope so, same as everyday I hope for a miracle. But I don’t expect it anymore.
The problem is that the lack of hope is taking something away from my end of year celebrations. I always thought new years eve was a magic moment, when you look back at what you’ve done and then think ahead with new hopes and renewed energy. But I have no expectations and try not to hope too much. So there is little magic around in my end of 2012.
I look at myself and think 2012 has given me wrinkles and a sad-deep-down look I didn’t have before. Since I can’t get the rid of my wrinkles, maybe my wish for 2013 should be to get the rid of this look. Somehow.

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2 Responses to Goodbye 2012. Welcome 2013.

  1. E v e l y n says:

    I love the term ‘wish dates’ but I hate what they are. I do that too without even thinking about it sometimes. I’m becoming more aware of it and trying not to do it but it’s not easy.

    That’s hard wanting to be hopeful but the logical part of your mind telling you not to be. I think changing your focus is a good idea; at least as much as possible. When your trying to concieve it’s hard to focus on much else.

  2. Pingback: New year, new challenges | Today I hope

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