What comes after a failed IVF cycle

After reading the Beta results and calling the doctor to ensure I had well understood that it was negative, I could actually not do much. I couldn’t think nor talk for a little while. But it didn’t last long. I soon started staring at the calendar trying to figure out when to try with the frozen embryo transfer and when to fit it in the million things I have to do in the coming months. I knew it would be wiser to rest and recover but instead I went on to list all things I had to do, which is mostly all that I had put aside during the IVF cycle (and the previous interrupted cycle). Basically since March I’ve been postponing: going to the dentist’s, organizing summer holidays, buying birthday presents, filing taxes etc. I am a great believer in to-do lists: to-do lists help feel useful, active and organised (less lost) but sometimes they can be overwhelming and make you panic. In his case it was the latter of course.
As a consequences I’ve been feeling stressed and haven’t been sleeping well for the whole week. But today I feel like I have finally calmed down a bit. Time is the key.

Like every single time and every so often in the past year, my first thought after reading the Beta was that I wanted to escape. I felt like I wanted to leave, change jobs, move to another country… On Monday I think I touched the bottom of my motivation at work, while also knowing I had a huge amount of catching up to do. Again, I know I’ll start feeling excited about work again soon. And planning some week-ends away should help with feeling less trapped in this big city.

In the past days I have been feeling very angry. I know I am simply disappointed because the IVF hasn’t worked but I have felt very angry, especially at my husband. To justify my anger, I have to say that he’s been quite far from perfect during the IVF and particularly during the two-week wait. I read of angelic husbands in many of your blogs. I really wonder where you found these men… Last night we had a rather animated discussion on the cycle and the TWW. I feel so much better now. I think I needed to just
Besides my husband, I have also been getting annoyed quite easily at people (e.g. a colleague heavily complaining about her pregnancy,someone telling me that I’ll surely be pregnant by September etc.). I’ll hopefully get back to being calmer and regain some zen-attitude. But for now I think I’ll just allow myself to feel whatever I feel, while of course being civil.
I also need to get fit again. And do lots of sports. Sport will calm me down.

Even if the IVF hasn’t worked out, I feel very lucky and grateful to all people who supported me. First of all my mum. But also all of you who commented to my blog making me feel less of a nut case and calming me down. If last years I had some doubts on the usefulness of this blog, now I really have none. I am also happy I let some of my friends know of the IVF cycle: they have been great and managed to find a good balance between asking and leaving me alone. My friends who are far were awesome with emails or chats that saved me from several moments of panic. Finally, I declare love to Sheldon Cooper for being able to make me laugh even the day after a BFN and to BBC for making Jane Austen’s movies, which always manage to project me elsewhere and calm me down.

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9 Responses to What comes after a failed IVF cycle

  1. barrenbetty says:

    I’m so sorry it didn’t work out better this time. I’ve been pretty grumpy with my husband too through IVF, and although he is very supportive, I’m not sure that it really affects him in the same way. It can get a bit frustrating. I so badly want to be able to have children, but I don’t think he feels the emptiness like I do. I hope you get your zen back soon… Weekends away sound like a good start to me xxx

  2. KS says:

    I felt all those emotions too and still do in cycles. Lately defeated has been the front runner. I also feel like I want to move out of my city, or even the state. I totally get it. You may be thinking you want out of Paris… And I am currently how to get to Paris this year for a mental health holiday!!

    • KS says:

      You are the best!! Thank you so much. Going to blog about our trip. Shooting for tonight or tomorrow and if you think of anything else- you can write me on there!! 🙂

  3. redbluebird says:

    I think the anger is completely normal. I know I struggle with it, and would especially after a failed IVF (a lot of that may have to do with how much I’d have spent on it!).
    Weekend getaways are always helpful. I live out in the country now, and when I miss the city, I plan a weekend getaway & feel revived.
    The fact that you still list gratitude as one of your reactions says a lot about your ability to make it through this. It’s far from easy. Sending some zen-like thoughts your way!

  4. knalani says:

    I’m sorry! I’m guessing my hubby-worshiping post didn’t help… If it’s any consolation, my DH definitely doesn’t do the right thing all the time; in fact, part of why I am so appreciative is because being sensitive and empathetic is _not_ his usual MO…

    If you’re California dreaming, may I suggest making the trip out? San Diego is beautiful right now, and I’d be thrilled to grab a beer with you in real life…before our FETs, that is 😉

  5. newtoivf says:

    I’m so sorry it didn’t work, my thoughts are with you xxx
    BBC Jane Austen adaptations have got me through the darkest points of my life…the 90s adaptation of Pride and Prejudice is my go-to Jane fix whenever life is bad…and no one is ever pregnant…far too unseemly!

  6. E v e l y n says:

    When I started IVF my family doctor told me it was a roller coaster ride. I didn’t understand until after a few cycles. Now I get it.

    I think it’s a good strategy to feel what you need to feel. Going through the emotions will probably help on the road to recover.

  7. jesselyn6585 says:

    Sending love and hugs. I know that none of us IFers want to hear this but m as ybe taking a short break before trying the frozen embryo transfer will be good for you. You can take a holiday, and let yourself heal physically and emotionally. Either way, you know we’re here for you dear.

  8. jobird77 says:

    Hello there,
    Stumbled upon your blog and had to write.

    I’ve been trying for 3 years with 2 miscarriages under my belt,1 failed IVF and 1 failed FET.
    Of course I have a hard time dealing with the stress of appointments, injections, the psychological roller coaster and putting my busy life on hold and professional life on standby while maintaining 50% of all the bills. 35 and normal test results, I also have a hard time accepting that we really need this unnatural intervention…but when the docs say ‘do to poor sperm quality, you don’t have much choice’, i feel forced.

    I don’t want to go into the anger and resentment as it will just create more, but I can say that the whole process has also magnified my husband’s shortcomings and I can honestly say that it isn’t helping me stay positive!

    I’m crossing my fingers for you…

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