After reading the Beta results and calling the doctor to ensure I had well understood that it was negative, I could actually not do much. I couldn’t think nor talk for a little while. But it didn’t last long. I soon started staring at the calendar trying to figure out when to try with the frozen embryo transfer and when to fit it in the million things I have to do in the coming months. I knew it would be wiser to rest and recover but instead I went on to list all things I had to do, which is mostly all that I had put aside during the IVF cycle (and the previous interrupted cycle). Basically since March I’ve been postponing: going to the dentist’s, organizing summer holidays, buying birthday presents, filing taxes etc. I am a great believer in to-do lists: to-do lists help feel useful, active and organised (less lost) but sometimes they can be overwhelming and make you panic. In his case it was the latter of course.
As a consequences I’ve been feeling stressed and haven’t been sleeping well for the whole week. But today I feel like I have finally calmed down a bit. Time is the key.
Like every single time and every so often in the past year, my first thought after reading the Beta was that I wanted to escape. I felt like I wanted to leave, change jobs, move to another country… On Monday I think I touched the bottom of my motivation at work, while also knowing I had a huge amount of catching up to do. Again, I know I’ll start feeling excited about work again soon. And planning some week-ends away should help with feeling less trapped in this big city.
In the past days I have been feeling very angry. I know I am simply disappointed because the IVF hasn’t worked but I have felt very angry, especially at my husband. To justify my anger, I have to say that he’s been quite far from perfect during the IVF and particularly during the two-week wait. I read of angelic husbands in many of your blogs. I really wonder where you found these men… Last night we had a rather animated discussion on the cycle and the TWW. I feel so much better now. I think I needed to just
Besides my husband, I have also been getting annoyed quite easily at people (e.g. a colleague heavily complaining about her pregnancy,someone telling me that I’ll surely be pregnant by September etc.). I’ll hopefully get back to being calmer and regain some zen-attitude. But for now I think I’ll just allow myself to feel whatever I feel, while of course being civil.
I also need to get fit again. And do lots of sports. Sport will calm me down.
Even if the IVF hasn’t worked out, I feel very lucky and grateful to all people who supported me. First of all my mum. But also all of you who commented to my blog making me feel less of a nut case and calming me down. If last years I had some doubts on the usefulness of this blog, now I really have none. I am also happy I let some of my friends know of the IVF cycle: they have been great and managed to find a good balance between asking and leaving me alone. My friends who are far were awesome with emails or chats that saved me from several moments of panic. Finally, I declare love to Sheldon Cooper for being able to make me laugh even the day after a BFN and to BBC for making Jane Austen’s movies, which always manage to project me elsewhere and calm me down.