I’m just back from a week-end away. We went to the wedding of a friend of my husband’s. He belongs to a group of friends who at least to an external person seem to have a perfect life: all in their early 30ies, good jobs, house-owners and with an average of 2 children per couple. They gather up about once a year and last year it was a bit of a nightmare for me: we had been asked way too many times why we did not have children. It had been a bit too much even for my husband who’s generally much better than me with answering questions.
This time I had wondered whether to go or not. I decided to go because I wanted to spend time with my husband and because another girl I like was going to be there. She doesn’t have children either so I thought I would get less questions in her presence. But then the girl ditched me at the last moment (she got sick). I got to know when I was already on the train, so I couldn’t change my mind.
I had been warned that one girl was pregnant and luckily she was actually too pregnant to come at all. However, I had not been warned that one of the girls I really like was also pregnant (with her # 3). When I arrived and saw the huge (7 month) baby bump I had a moment of panic. How on earth did my friends and my husband forget to tell me!?!? I’m ok around pregnant women but it does help a lot to know in advance. Anyways, after getting over the surprise things got a bit better.
During the reception, one girl who knows we are going through some treatments, came to ask how it was going. I dare say the question is rather silly, since you can very easily see I’m not pregnant and that I don’t have a baby with me. I said it wasn’t going too well and cut it rather short. Then she started telling me that she recently had a miscarriage and hadn’t been feeling too well. I know she already has a baby but I felt bad for her. Miscarriages must really be tough and I appreciated that she shared that with me.
After the reception, we all set down for dinner and things started getting worse. First the pregnant girl asked with a very loud voice and in everyone’s presence how the IVF was going. Again, what’s with asking questions that have an obvious answer!?!? But also, thanks a lot for making everyone aware that we’re going through IVF. She was the only one who knew. Nothing to be ashamed of, but not exactly the best topic for the dinner table. Why do people think it’s ok to ask this sort of intimate questions in public?
Then, the only person who I guess had not heard about the IVF, comes and asks THE question: “so when is that you’re going to have kids? You’ve been married for a while, it’s quite time!”. I tried to stay cool and answered something stupid like “oh who knows; maybe never”. But he did not drop it and continued asking. I started struggling and ended up suggesting he dropped the subject. So he started asking my husband who did not say a word and just gave him a very bad look. It all finished after another few minutes of awkward silence. I hardly know this guy. I’ve seen him a few times but I have never had any sort of private conversation. If we did, he would have to explain me how he could mistreat one of my dearest friends when they were together. I have been wanting to ask him how he could give up and badly treat someone so wonderful, but I never dared because I don’t ask private questions to people I don’t know well. So why does he think it is ok to come ask me questions? He is also the boyfriend of the girl who just had a miscarriage. How did that not teach him to mind his own business? I wanted to ask when they were going to catch up with the rest of the wonder-fertile couples and make a second one but I didn’t want to put her in a bad position or upset her. I’m sorry but even just thinking of his naughty face enjoying the questions phase makes me mad. It took me about an hour to calm down. I hope no one took pictures of me during that hour because that would definitely ruin the photo album.
I don’t know why I still struggle so much with this. I wish there was a manual, a treatment, an instruction book I can read?