Nothing better than being asked about IVF at a friend’s wedding

Since mid May I’ve hardly spent any week-end at home in between vacation, conferences and, above all, weddings. We are just back from our last week-end away and our last wedding of the year. I’m quite happy about finally having the perspective of not going anywhere for a while. And as for the weddings, I like seeing people getting married but this was the fourth wedding we go to this year and that’s more than enough… The wedding was fantastic and beautifully organised, the bride and groom were beautiful, funny and happy and there were loads of activities including the guests being able to fly lanterns in the style of Tangled’s Disney movie. I’m including a picture, just cos I love this movie!

tangled+lanterns.jpg

Weddings are never easy for me to be honest. First of all I much prefer small group interactions to small talk with hundreds of people. This wedding had 200 people plus loads of kids, so it wasn’t the easiest one. It’s also hard seeing so many happy families at once. It makes me feel like a real outsider. Luckily the dancing and music and the happiness of the couple makes up for it. This huge wedding went quite well overall, I’ve managed to be in a good mood, socialize, meet new people, dance and have fun. But of course, nothing is perfect and unexpected events always manage to create obstacles in my infertile life.

Just as we had finished admiring the flying lanterns a friend’s sister came up to me to chat about holidays and summer and all that. But she quickly turned to what she was really interested in: “and how about your health? are you going to try IVF again soon?”. I have never talked about anything private to this person and know absolutely nothing about her. It caught me off guard so I cut my answer short saying that for the moment we had not planned to try again. But it made me feel mad at my friend for spreading the word (does the whole world need to know??) and at her sister for thinking it’s ok to go up to someone and ask private questions in the middle of a happy moment. Knowing that someone I hardly know was aware of my private life also made me feel really uncomfortable. I just wanted to run away but the dinner had not even started! Just as I was escaping to hide for a bit and prevent crying, I bumped into my husband, which of course made it impossible to hold back the tears. He came hiding with me and he was great at cheering me up and at making sure I was ok for the rest of the night. I just wish I weren’t so emotional and fragile. Why can’t I just answer something life “thanks for your concern but it’s none of your business and definitely not the right time to talk about this”!?!?!?

This is another lesson for me to learn on whom with to share my infertility issues: only people I can trust to keep information for themselves. Unfortunately there are not very many. Since I cannot take back the info I gave while I was in complete freak out, for the future, I shall simply lie to all these people and give them the fantastic performance of me who has stopped trying. I shall always be in a fantastic mood and when unavailable due to IVF and treatment I shall simply make things up.

But to all people who know someone who is struggling to have a baby, I would like to suggest a few things:

  • If you see an infertile in a good mood, just let him/her be and don’t ask questions. It’s not the right time. Just drop them a line outside party time if you are really interested. They’ll appreciate the concerns but you won’t oblige them to talk about their problems in a moment of celebration.
  • If you know of someone’s infertility problems but you don’t know the person, unless you have magic powers that will solve their problems, don’t ask them about them. If you’re really curious, just ask the person who told you in the first place. Hearing something through gossiping doesn’t give anyone the right to go ask private information to the concerned person. That’s the whole point of gossip: you are not meant to know!
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6 Responses to Nothing better than being asked about IVF at a friend’s wedding

  1. Lisette says:

    Yep unfortunately lying can be the kindest, and easiest on yourself. I’ve stopped feeling bad or caring about it now. No one else matters. And your tips are bang on. Not put to use enough it seems!

  2. newtoivf says:

    oh my god, this is the second inappropriate questioning at a wedding I’ve read on here this summer….what is WRONG WITH PEOPLE?!

  3. damelapin says:

    You’ve been very kind with her, I think I would have said “Pardon me? Well, it’s private, thank you”, walk away and then transform into a harpy^^
    Seriously, people ask that as if it was the weather “oh and by the way, still no baby?”… Normally, it’s just lucky people who haven’t dealt with infertility…

    • damelapin says:

      No, I think you have the right attitude.
      I brace myself (does the verb “brace” exist? can’t remember) for a big party with lots of our friends, whom we haven’t seen since one year (PMA, depression etc…). I expect some to ask “so, any baby yet?”. I think I’ll answer “oh, you’re right, let me order one on a catalogue, it’s soooo easy”.

  4. jesselyn6585 says:

    Ugh! People are so inconsiderate! I’m so sorry hun! *big hug* I’m glad you’re done with weddings for the year…they seem to be where people think it’s a decent idea to ambush you. Jerks!

  5. E v e l y n says:

    I think you can’t give a curt answer because you’re probably too polite.

    It bothers me too that some people know my story when i didn’t tell them. And what is wrong with your friend and her sister both? Clearly neither of them have any sense about how deeply emotional infertility is.

    I think it’s a good strategy to tell people you aren’t trying anymore. I think it would be a good idea to find a response that doesn’t say too much but lets the person know that you aren’t talking about it anymore.

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