I’m five days into my TWW and so far it’s been going well. I’ve been behaving much better than the other times. I have done useful things to keep my mind elsewhere, like set up a new blog, email friends, do some work in the office. I have not googled symptoms nor checked them on online fora. In any case I wouldn’t know what to google since I have no symptoms whatsoever (although I could have googled that!). I also have not freaked out with the usual victim of my panic moments (husband).
I think it’s partly because the treatments for a Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET) are much lighter and I am not tired out by the egg retrieval. But, fear not, there is still one week to go! And the second week is always tougher.
On the other hand I’ve been thinking about the TWW and all that bothers me about it:
- I’m a person who likes to get prepared and to feel ready. I’m no good at improvising. For instance if I know I have to go through something difficult, I’ll prepare myself, gather strength and then be ready to face the challenge. But I cannot get myself ready for two extreme and opposite emotions. I cannot prepare myself for what would be the greatest joy in my life while also picturing yet another failure, which would leave me lost on what to do next and aware that I will not be pregnant anytime soon.
- My husband says I need to live in the present and not try to picture what will happen in a week’s time. He’s right. I know that he’s right. But isn’t it a contradiction to the very same idea that you spend two weeks waiting?
- I’m meant to live my life normally but not really: I don’t go out at night as it’s better to rest, I sort of avoid people because I don’t want silly questions like why I don’t drink, I can’t go running or doing the sports I normally do etc. I don’t mind but it’s hard to argue that this is not a peculiar time.
- I am not pregnant but I could be pregnant so I behave as if I was pregnant when I’m not really. I don’t know what I am!
- I’m not feeling great but I know that’s most likely all in my head but then I can’t just tell myself to get over it since there is a tiny possibility that something is going on.
- While I am trying my best not to think and feel symptoms (or absence thereof), I can’t help having moments in which I think it has worked. These moments are followed by others in which I remind myself that I have had moments like this during the other TWWs too. The ones that ended with a heart break.
So yeah, I’m doing better than the other times but I still don’t like this waiting game!