I had a bit of a bad day yesterday. Mostly due to the fact that I feel a bit negatively about the outcome of this wait. I keep feeling the same things as the other times, even if somehow more mildly, so I got a bit discouraged and I’m now more or less convinced that it has not worked. It seems like a bit of a deja vu: first week is ok, then I freak out, convince myself that it hasn’t worked, then I just wait for the verdict.
I also think that after 10 days of progesterone my body is starting to feel the effects. I don’t have too many symptoms (e.g. big boobs) but I feel exhausted. This morning getting out of bad was a real challenge!
Saturday was a good day: I went grocery shopping, then met up with a couple of friends and their baby (they all just moved here so I had to go welcome them), then went to hypnotherapy and then I went back home. But then something went wrong. I spent Saturday night alone because Hubby went to the party to welcome back a couple of friends who just came back (pregnant) from a world tour. I didn’t feel I had enough energy to hear complaints on how much it sucks to be back (since for me the key is that there is a much cooler project for them now) so I made up an excuse and didn’t go. Since I was tired, I didn’t feel like cooking and ordered some Indian take away (little treat, I’ve been behaving excellently for the whole time). But the take away arrived only 90 minutes later and by then I was hungry and very grumpy, which made it impossible to do basic things like make up my mind about what movie to watch.
Yesterday I woke up grumpy and tired. To calm down I went to the local market to buy fruits and veggies and some fish. Then in the afternoon I went for a long walk in the park to take pictures, and did some relaxation and breathing exercises while lying down on the grass. It was great! While it certainly helped, it didn’t completely calm me down and it was too hard to resist the temptation of buying a pee test when I bumped in an exceptionally open Pharmacy. Pharmacies are never open on Sundays where I live. It was like it was calling me: “come in, and find out about your future…!”. So I went in. The lady who sold me the magic tool tried to tell me its limitations: use it in the morning, need to wait for a certain number of days after the day you should have had your period, etc. It was good enough that I walked back home and tested in my toilet, because I was almost in the state of hiding in a corner in the street (joking). Of course the test was negative. I know, I know, there is still some hope: hope that the embryos may have been slow in settling down, hope that it’s because I tested in the afternoon and not in the morning, hope that the levels are still too low for a pee test to detect, etc. But still, it was negative. Somehow this has calmed me down. Instead of being very hopeful like last week, I’m more realistic and feel like it will be difficult to get a positive result.
Then, the evening last night ended in disaster. My hubby is preparing for an exam at work, so he’s been working for the whole week-end. I’ve been keeping myself busy with other things, taken care of all the normal week-end tasks and have tried not to disturb him. In a nutshell, I haven’t had right to a well-deserved “Pricess card” (copyright Little Wife) but I’ve had to work more than I normally do. That’s perfectly fine. It’s the least I can do and to be honest it keeps me busy. Besides, it’s not like my hubby could have foreseen an exam date right after this and this exam is really important. To entertain myself and as a little treat for us, I had prepared a really nice fish dinner. When I told my hubby it was almost ready, he moved from the desk to the couch and started playing games on the cell phone. Slightly annoyed for the absence of “honey, do you need a hand?”, I pushed my zen attitude to think that he needed a tiny break after working hard. But when dinner was ready and he didn’t come to sit at the table because he was still playing and just managed to say “I’m coming” once again, I got seriously annoyed. I may have said (yelled?) something like I didn’t need a 30 something year old to behave like a 14-year old right now. Then he got annoyed because I was freaked out, then it ended with me sobbing for an hour and missing my own dinner. Apparently it was excellent or at least that’s what Hubby said. That’s good because I had completely failed to prepare some grilled veggies in the afternoon and I needed some self confidence in my cooking skills.
Luckily today it’s a lot better. The calm after the storm. Let’s hope I can stay calm for four more days…