It’s been three days since I stopped taking progesterone and nothing has happened yet. I thought my period would start in no time but I haven’t even had period cramps yet. I do feel less sick. But also much weaker, more tired and very weepy and lost.
I’m not being very good at managing my body and my emotions right now. Hormones manage it all. I almost fainted at work on Monday and of course just as the big boss walked by. She helped me sit down and then went straight into my boss’ office to let him know. She didn’t look too convinced when I said I had just stood up too quickly. Since we are preparing a huge event I am meant to be one of the leading people, I decided I would let them know what is going on (not a full version). Everyone was super nice, supportive but without asking too many questions. And just the very fact that I feel less pressure to work as if nothing was happening, has brought me back to my normal efficiency levels.
I also talked to my colleague who went through IVF, asking for advice on how to perform well during an important event while trying to get over this. Her advice made me smile: just cry a lot now, so you’ll be fine next week. It seems like I’m getting this advice a lot lately. Too bad my tears do not want to follow it. They come out in the weirdest moments, without any possibility for me to control them, but I haven’t managed to have a good cry at home. Like one of those you just cry so much that you can’t do anything but sleep afterwards.
I told a few friends what happened, and everyone seems to be rather positive about it. I do (sort of) understand that this is a positive sign (though I’d rather hear it from the gynecologist before making up my mind) but once again I realized the power of phrasing. There’s a huge difference in hearing “I’m sorry/ sad for you, but it seems like there has been some progress and this could be a good sign” (like I heard from most of you guys – thanks!) and “this is so cool / exciting! You got pregnant once, it’ll surely work next time!”.
I know that there’s been progress. The first IVF was a complete failure, with nothing to transfer, the second we had one blastocyst but our beta was 1, the third we transferred an embryo and got a beta at 8, and now this first FET we had two embryos transferred with a slightly positive beta which showed that something was going on.
But I am also sad. I’m sad for all the 4 embryos that have died inside me, and which are starting to make me think of my uterus as a graveyard. I’m especially sad for this one embryo that had at least tried to stay with me. I’m sad that for the first time it felt like we were so close, and yet we were actually really far. I’m sad that I will not be pregnant in 2013 either, that it’s been two years of this crap, two full years that I’ll have spent simply trying to get pregnant. Because, let’s be honest, though I try hard to do other things, think of something else, have fun etc., I spend most of my free time trying to increase the size of this 2-person family.
And I’m tired. Physically tired. But also tired of figuring out what to do next. I don’t have a freaking degree in medicine! But I know I have to look into stuff because you can’t trust doctors 100%, they are too busy to really take the time to think of new options. I’m tired of all the problems that go with IVF: what to tell to friends when you need to disappear, what to say at work when you really can’t hide how bad you feel the questions, the stupid remarks, the fights, the anger, the regrets of the stuff you gave up “in case this time it works”, the guilt of all you think you could have done better, the cancelled plans, the loneliness… It’s all hard enough without having to worry about all this crap.
I could just look at the bright side. But right now I think I’d much rather celebrate my two years of (failed) IVFs throwing myself a good pity party.