Today we had our third meeting with the psychologist for the adoption procedure. I found the meeting a bit long but still tried to respond with a positive attitude, especially having in mind that this would be our last meeting with her (she had told us that three three-hour meetings would be enough and according to the rules we are required to meet her 2-3 times). But – surprise, surprise – just at the end of the meeting she asked when we’d be available to meet again. Then – I guess she saw our faces – she added: “whoops, did I forget to tell you there will be a fourth meeting?”.
Anyways, like the other time we talked a lot about abandonment and how the baby would feel about knowing he’s been abandoned. This time we focused on a 2-3 year old baby. What I like is that she makes you think a lot about what the baby would feel and think. She asked how we would tell the baby and explained that he’s been abandoned. Then went on to discuss possible reasons for abandonment at the national and international level, traumas that the child might have from the pre-adoption years and possible consequences. We also talked a lot about the birth mother, our possible feelings towards her, the child’s feelings towards her and how we would talk to the baby about the birth mother. The idea is we need to do our best to let the baby make up his own mind: avoid giving a bad feeling about her, but also making sure we do not encourage the child to idealize her.
We spent quite a bit of time talking about the case of a child being abandoned because he was the result of sexual violence. How and when would you tell the child about this? I noticed I always tend to protect this future child of mine and I did so in this case too. I said I would not tell him until he was old enough (probably past teen-age) but the psychologist said we could consider telling the child way earlier. Otherwise we risk causing a trauma or mistrust towards us, since we kept it secret. I’m still unsure about this and if we end up on a case of this sort, I may need some more help from professionals.
We talked about difficulties, such as the child refusing to come with us (he may feel like we are total strangers), the child hating us during teen-age years, or the look from other people when noticing the differences in physical appearance. She also asked how we would feel if the child asked about his birth parents or wanted to meet them. Neither of us would be upset about that, I find it’s quite natural to want to discover our past and origins.
Then we discussed the child’s health state and illnesses we’d be ready to accept. We actually did so rather superficially for now. We will get into more detail about this later on once we get to talk to adoption agencies.
Finally she asked about us. She asked us to describe each other. It was quite funny, as both of us ended up blushing and not knowing what to say. But luckily hubby took over and gave a super nice description of me. That made my day! She also asked how the arrival of a child would change our relationship. Once again hubby took over since I got completely stuck with the language. I could only think in my native language. It happens to me very rarely and I guess it happened this time because I was getting teary at imagining us finally having our baby.
Next meeting will all be about us so I better improve my skills at talking about us as a couple, as future parents and about each other..