Sometimes it’s small things that cause a meltdown. When something big happens we find strength and pull ourselves together. But at times a tiny thing makes all this strength vanish.
I have been working so hard at getting everything set up before the Christmas break: I took the treatments for the biopsy, had he biopsy done, looked for a new endocrinologist, got the insulin resistance tests done to check if I needed metformine, found a new acupuncturist, found an osteopath…
I had it all figured out so that even if I had to take metformine for thee months before IVF I could at least start before the holidays and still manage to have IVF in April at the latest.
But today, as I opened the envelope with the results, I immediately understood that the girl who recorded the exam got it wrong and forgot to have my insulin checked after taking the glucose drink. I told her twice that it was important and I needed it done!
I went back to the lab to check and the lady said “yup sorry, it has not been done. Nothing I can do”. I couldn’t keep it together and started sobbing and saying that it was unfair, that I will have to do it again, waste two months of time, pay foe the test again. She said sorry but that she couldn’t do anything. Had she at least told me I wouldn’t have to pay for the test again, I think I would have felt a bit better but she just didn’t give a damn.
So I found myself sobbing in the street while a large speaker was playing Christmas Carols and people were enjoying an exceptionally sunny day.
I know what I have to do: relax, think of something else, take it easy… but it’s not easy to relax when even that becomes a task on your to do list. Its not easy when you feel the weight of what is now over two years spent doing IVF, medical tests, trying to understand all these techniques, trying to keep it together at work, trying to keep a social life, trying to carry on being happy…
Sorry, I know this is just a bad day. It’ll hopefully be better tomorrow.