I have been feeling rather down lately. I haven’t quite managed to understand why just yet. Among other things, I think one of the reasons is that there have been many news of IVF working at the first shot lately. This is fantastic and I’m very happy for the now pregnant ladies. But seeing how they have managed to stay calm and properly prepare for it, I have started to feel horribly guilty about all I did wrong on my first IVF cycle and to think that it might have worked had I behaved differently.
I know this is not good but I can’t avoid feeling guilty and once the guilt starts it just becomes like a flood that I don’t know how to stop.
I feel guilty about all the energy I spent (and clearly still spend) being sad, depressed, in panic, worried, annoyed at other people, mad at my friends about all the stupid things they said to me… I really could have used that energy in a better and more constructive way…
I also wish I could have stayed calmer during IVF and when I found out about infertility. I’ve had so many moments of panic and I have been unable to pull myself together quickly. It took me over a year to decide to get on a diet. And that was after a year spent eating like a pig to cheer myself up after failed IVFs. I gained way more weight because of all chocolate and comfort food I had than because of the treatments.
I should have been more patient, looked for further information instead of jumping into the whole IVF adventure. But it was so exciting and seemed to be the quick and ultimate solution to all my problems. I should have googled and tried to better understand, looked at the issues, and success rates instead of trusting the doctor and her “of course it will work”. Had I taken my time to decide what to do I would have maybe found a better doctor who would have spared me a completely useless and painful first IVF cycle.
Then there is my job. If I had a less stressful job, maybe IVF would work. But instead I don’t take too much time off after transfers because I am terrified of being absent for too long. Every time I took time off for IVF there was an emergency at work. And instead of telling everyone to deal with it without me, I stressed like crazy and tried to help. I also stress out a lot in trying to balance work with medical appointments, running around from one place to the other. Would it be easier to get pregnant if I had a stress-free job and lived in the countryside? My first gynecologist told me for years that I would not get my period if I didn’t change my life style. He never mentioned PCOS to me. He just said it was my fault because of my life style. Somehow this got well encrypted in my mind. As much as a change in lifestyle meant nothing to me in high school, I do know what that means now…
And if I were overall a less complicated person? If I stressed less and took things more easily? Would that help IVF? We have a couple of friends who never worry about anything and everything always goes well for them. They started trying during a world tour, so they didn’t do all the check up tests I did. They didn’t worry about carrying backpacks, going hiking, catching planes or jumping while dancing etc. And yet they are about to have a child and we are not. Maybe that’s what is wrong with me. I worry too much. It’s my fault nothing works, and it is because I just try too hard.
I know if a friend told me all of this, I would find words to explain that none of us deserves to be infertile. Same as no one deserves to be sick. But I do feel guilty enough to believe I am the cause of my infertility. And I can’t manage to talk myself out of this.