Alright, admittedly I’ve been throwing pity parties long enough. I think it’s time I (try to) stop.
Some of the comments I got from my super depressive last post made me realize I really need to be more positive (thanks a lot to those who took the time to reassure me and encourage me, including my dearest Scottish reader).
One of the things that really got to me was what Holly told me: that we’ll have a beautiful story to tell. It won’t be a drunken story of a one night stand. I know it won’t be a fun story of how we conceived on a desert beach during our honeymoon either but it will be the story of two persons who love each other and fought as much as they could to have a family. And that’s a good story to tell. I got reminded of how touched I was the first time I read an infertility memoir. I did find it was a beautiful story…
Infertility has changes us, so we won’t be young and funny parents but this journey has also taught me a lot about myself, my husband and our desire for parenthood. So I also know we won’t be parents of the type “yeah we will have a baby but we will still go out partying”, “we’ll have the grandparents to take care of them so we can carry on living our lives as before”, or “now that my BFF has a baby I need one too”. We want this child more than anything else!
The other thing that really made me think is Evelyn‘s question: what am I doing for my child? I am doing a lot! I’m dieting, exercising, I took drugs, injections, did IVF, went to see loads of doctors, did acupuncture, meditation, relaxation, did my best to figure myself out, to improve our marriage.. I could go on but you probably have a similar list.. But I know what I am not doing enough: I am not being happy enough. If I carry on like this I will become so sad that I won’t be able to make a child happy. I need to figure myself out so that I don’t become too sad and too different.
It won’t be easy, but I’m telling myself it’s like jogging: if I don’t go for a while it takes me a lot of self discipline to convince myself to move my lazy butt, but once I’m out in the park, I am happy and I feel like going more and more often. Right now all I want to do is sulk. But I need to be more positive… I promise I’ll at least try! Plus I have company, right Ms Little Wife?