Yesterday, besides having a big panic attack on my IVF plans, I have also managed to get some drama at work. Yes, it was quite a day!
I had my evaluation for 2013 and, despite having worked below my average productivity, I got a really positive evaluation. Yuppy! Towards the end of the evaluation my boss and I discussed the team situation and both agreed that last year was a bit hard since we had a big turnover. He then added that he was pretty confident that this year there would be no changes and we could all focus on work. Unless I got pregnant.
Instead of staying calm and ignoring this sentence or saying something smart, I panicked and said not to worry because there are no chances I would need to take maternity leave this year. (Why can’t I ever stay cool and shut up?!?!!? What is it that connects by brain to my vocal chords so quickly??)
Again, instead of shutting up he went on asking whether it was medical or our choice. Then he corrected himself saying “whoops I shouldn’t have asked that”. Yeah, he shouldn’t have.
Tears were coming up at this point (why why why do I have to be so emotional?!?!?!). So he went on saying how if I did get pregnant I wouldn’t have to worry about work and about my job, that he would find something etc. Now this would have been great to hear in my old job where I have seen girls getting fired because they were pregnant, but in my current job this is a given. He is really not supposed to talk about it.
I couldn’t keep it together and ended up saying something along the lines of “it’s a miracle if I ever get pregnant and if it ever happens I will not worry about work”.
Congratulations to me for the best infertility coming out ever: in tears and underlying I don’t give a damn about my job.
After a good night sleep, a few exchanges on twitter (thanks guys!!), and after talking to both my parents, I decided at this point I may as well explain the situation. At least he’ll understand that I’m not just being over-emotional (I mean I am but I’ve also been going through a lot of shit). This morning I went to see him early, apologized for getting all emotional, told him about IVF and adoption and asked him to avoid questions and remarks (e.g. my favourite: “she is the one who goes to far trips because she doesn’t have kids”). I told him the incentive for him to avoid asking me questions is that my productivity goes to zero when I’m upset. That made him laugh. At least one of us finds this funny..
Let’s hope I won’t have to regret this…