Yet another heartbreak

The beta was 1, which means there wasn’t even a tiny bit of sticking. My uterus is basically a cemetery for embryos.

I really did everything I could to make this cycle work. I feel like I have been on it for about 6 months. I just feel so lost and heartbroken.. This is out 4th attempt at IVF and 5th failure if you count the frozen cycles.

I have nothing to blame myself for but I still have regrets.

I regret having been positive about it. I regret having been fooled into being optimistic by the sickness instead of reading the stupid information leaflet from the start (someone – e.g. the doctor – could have warned me that the patches were going to make me feel nauseous…).

I regret not having warned my family more, especially when I saw them smiling after I was feeling sick (they were really convinced it was morning sickness).

I regret having thought and dreamt of myself pregnant, of spending Christmas at home with a big bump, of telling people, smiling, crying of happiness, thanking my doctor, gong in for a scan, hugging my husband with happy tears… I’m starting to doubt whether any of this will ever come true… 

I regret having allowed myself to laugh with my mum and sister about the fact that the baby would have been Pisces had it worked (hubs and I are both Pisces).

I regret being completely unable to wait instead of projecting myself into the future.

I regret having played strong, letting my husband to go away with friends this week-end. I’m not strong and I really wish he had been here with me last night and this morning and I wish he were here now.. 

I know I’m lucky to have other embies in the freezer. But these were our top-score ones. If they didn’t stick why would the other ones?

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58 Responses to Yet another heartbreak

  1. bebepaulo says:

    This was heartbreaking to read. I am genuinely so sorry for your loss.

  2. Elisha says:

    So sorry girl!! I have another blogger friend that had the worst grade embie possible but it stuck. Stay hopeful if you can.

    • kiftsgate says:

      True. Sometimes I wonder why bothering with all these tests and rating as they don’t seem to matter much. But point taken, I should still have some hope for those frosties.. Thanks! xx

  3. Isabelle says:

    😦 This sucks big time. I am very sorry. I know it’s hard to remain hopeful right after a heartbreak like this… But I hope that “hope” will come back and the frozen embryos will become your forever bab(ies). Surrounding you with love. ❤

  4. I am so so sorry. Sending you strength, love and light. Justine

  5. Lisette says:

    So so sorry sweetie, I hate this news. Please don’t be so hard on yourself, but I know that’s not easy at times like this. Holding your hand and thinking of you xxx

  6. barrenbetty says:

    I hate this so much 😦 hate, hate, hate. I wish I had something to say that could help, but I know it won’t. I’m sorry your hubby can’t be with you today 😦 That really sucks. We definitely need a getting drunk in Paris party very very soon!!!!

  7. Irene says:

    Truly devastating news. So so sorry for your loss. Much love xx

  8. Smile says:

    This makes me cry for you. I just hate this fucking disease so much. Wish I was still there with you tonight to offer support. Please try to be easy on yourself – we all have moments of hope and planning for the future while doing a cycle, it is impossible not to. Thinking of you and sending a hug from London.

  9. redbluebird says:

    I’m so sorry. I was so hoping this was the lucky one (of course). Wish there was something I could say. Thinking of you. xo

  10. Oh my darling I’m so so sorry. I know EXACTLY how you feel regretting feeling positive, I always feel like an idiot at first but you just have to hope and dream…If we didn’t we would have given up long time ago. I wish I could give you a big hug, I’m so sorry you’re alone. Sending so much love xx

    • kiftsgate says:

      I know you know… and I wish you didn’t. You are right, hope is just quite natural.. I am in the feeling-like-an-idiot phase thought right now.. in fact, I’m more in the fuck-this-really-hurts phase.. I know it’ll pass.. it passes every time.. thanks so much for the thoughts and support. xx

  11. I’m so sorry… So unfair… Thinking of you

  12. gsmwc02 says:

    I am so sorry. Please don’t blame yourself for how you feel or felt. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Whatever you feel just go with it.

  13. I am so sorry. Thinking of you and sending hugs. xoxo

  14. E v e l y n says:

    I hope the regrets leave soon because you don’t deserve to feel that way. You are a hopeful, positive, optmistic and strong person and that makes you a wonderful person too. It makes all of this more painful but I believe it also makes you resilient and a special person.

    • kiftsgate says:

      Thank you. Your comments made me cry. I don’t know if I’m really all that but thank you. And I’m sure this is just a phase.. today I feel less regretful and stupid already.. but it hurts more..

  15. damelapin says:

    I’m really really sorry for you. It´s so injust, you’ve waited for such a long time for god sake!

  16. Ugh. I’m so sorry. There is no explanation and nothing to say to make it better. Just sucks and I’m so sorry.

  17. So sad to read this post… I feel very empathetic my dear, you cannot imagine. I recently had an upswing in my “morale” just around transfer time, I felt stronger and hopeful, I did… and then for some reason, post-transfer and perhaps due to the stress of the two-week wait, and an instinct to prepare myself for disappointment, I am sliding back down into my sorrows, fast… So tired of this cycle, up and down, and down…

  18. flhope says:

    je pense fort à toi. J’espère que vous allez à deux affronter au plus vite cette horrible épreuve et retrouver presque toutes vos forces. courage.

  19. julys974 says:

    I am so sorry to read this sad piece of news. I understand that you can regret having too much hope in this IVF, but if you had not believed in it, don’t you think that you would have been able to make feel guilty?
    Anyway, believe in it or not believe in it change nothing at the end: the failure makes suffer always horribly…
    I wish you a lot of courage and I makes you a big virtual hug. ❤

    • kiftsgate says:

      Thanks! You are right. I think believing in it is good. What is bad is the expectations and projections into the future. Those I should avoid…
      I agree, the heartbreak is there no matter what. And I am convinced that being positive or negative does not change the results at all…
      Thanks for the hug and encouragement!

  20. Stefanie says:

    So very sorry. And I know this is hard now, but try to stay positive. I’ve been told many times that both awesome quality and not so awesome quality embryos turn into healthy, happy take home babies!

  21. Dani says:

    Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.
    It will get better.
    When? I don’t know.
    But I know it will ❤

  22. Maya says:

    So sorry. Ugh. It’s so hard. The whole process is emotionally abusive. I totally get it. But being hopeful and positive is what we all do. Planning and fantasizing is natural. We can’t help it. I do the same thing. I get my beta tomorrow. All I have had in the past two years are phones calls from the RE nurse telling me they are sorry. Negative. And every time I feel like a total jerk that I’ve already imagined how I’ll tell my parents or I’ve calculated my due date. It’s a humbling experience but we can’t regret opening our hearts to our potential baby to be. That’s all we can do. The heartbreak of this is so specific. But you’ve been so strong and you’ve been fighting to find your baby. And hopefully one day soon your baby will find you. Remember, ugly frozen embryos can make beautiful babies! Sending you so much love and strength as you mend your broken heart.

    • kiftsgate says:

      Thank you Maya, this is a beautiful message. I guess you are right, it shows our love for the potential babies that the embryos represent. thanks so much for reminding me this and for sending love and strength.

  23. I am so sorry lady. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself right now. Holding you in my heart.

  24. Jess says:

    I’m so sorry. If it helps, our top four embryos ended in either BFNs or miscarriages. And I’m now pregnant with twins with the last two “bottom of the barrel” embryos. Wishing you so much luck and happier days ahead.

  25. Jillian says:

    I am so sorry for your news. Hang in there, be good to yourself. Just hang in there.

  26. Pingback: Lost in beta hCG translation? | Today I hope

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