We call the appointments after a failed IVF cycle WTF appointments but, while the question may be implicit, I am pretty sure nobody goes back to their clinic to ask “so, WTF happened?”. I had my 7th WTF appoitment on Monday and, as usual, I went there in an ok mood, smiled, said I was feeling better, etc. But somehow this time, I actually ended up very closed to seriously asking “WTF?!?!”.
I told the gynecologist that I wanted to do an ovarian drilling. He said ok but then gave me examples of patients that ended up being unable to use their ovaries. It’s good to have information and it made me realise I need more time to think things through. I went on explaining that I feel that part of the problem is that I’m such a hormonal mess due to my PCOs that the embies don’t stick even when they are good ones.
He said the ovaries are not the problem, that it’s the head and the ovaries just execute. Obvious question: what does it mean it’s my head and what can I do to fix it then? Of course he starts talking stress and life style. And here is where I lost it a bit….
I have made massive efforts to avoid stress. I have completely changed my lifestyle (work less, take time to relax, not to mention mediation, yoga, diet and all the rest..). I didn’t expect this would get me pregnant but that it would at least shorten my periods from three years to a few months… but I have seen no improvement whatsoever.
When I said this he told me that maybe I wasn’t praying enough then. I have to believe that he was trying to be funny. I surely haven’t prayed enough as I am absolutely not religious. Although a non-religious person I spent a hell of a lot of time lighting up candles in churches and asking for help despite my husband’s puzzled looks..
He went on to say I shouldn’t feel guilty about all this and that sometimes there is just no explanation on why things don’t work the way they should. I know that but somehow this discussion left me sad, irritable and with even more doubts on what to do next… all clear signs that I’m not doing too well right now.. it’s crazy how much time it takes to get better…