A bit of a scare

This morning, like every day, I got on the train, did not find a seat, tried to make sure no one would push me or hit my tummy, got off the train, got on the bus and then headed for a last few minutes walk to work. Except that after getting off the bus I had cramps so bad that I could hardly walk.

As I got to work I went to the ladies’  and realized I was bleeding. Not spotting. Proper red bleeding. I started sobbing and could only tell my self “it’s over”. I have seen this happen so many times through blogs and twitter and yet it was impossible to stay calm. I was so scared I was shaking…

I called my gynecologist but he didn’t answer. I also asked for help on twitter but the main answer was to go to an Emergency Pregnancy Unit (EPU). The problem is that I don’t even know where the EPU or emergencies are in the Paris area, nor whether here it works like in my country where you have to wait for hours and fill in tons of paperwork before you get to see a doctor.
(Anyone who can enlighten me on this for the future is welcome!)

Finally, I managed to hold of the gynecologist who told me to go see him. He was so nice and it calmed me down immensely to see him. I got a scan done and everything was fine: I saw a sack and a yolk and a heartbeat. Such a relief!

I have to take some extra progesterone, stop baby aspirin, rest and stay off work for a week, which is great especially as it means I can skip the commute. I’ll go back in a week for a check and another scan.

I think this is my punishment for having spent the last few days stressing and wondering how to get an early scan. I guess I had what I wanted somehow but I would have much preferred to skip the bleeding and the worrying..

When I told my husband that all was well he texted “YEEEES!!! Big hug to you both!”. I found it so touching, that he thinks of “us both”. It made me realize that right now, and hopefully for quite a while still, I am two.

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The beta tracking week

It’s almost a week after I got to know that my wee lazy blast decided to stick. The doctor asked me to do a second beta today and I spent the week in full calm and zen, patiently waiting for today’s news.

That’s bullshit, of course! But you knew that…

On Monday morning I had initially decided to follow the doctor’s instructions. I called the acupuncturist to let him know about the results and he started going on and on about how it wasn’t necessarily going to evolve and how lots could still go wrong etc. I knew that already but hearing it got me in enough of a panic mode to go do a second beta over lunch break. I felt better when I saw it had gone up 624 (from 222).

On Tuesday I had decided I didn’t really need to do another beta until Friday. But then on Wednesday morning I woke up at 6 AM with cramps and with no nausea and decided I may as well get up and get a beta done before work. At the lab I was pleasantly surprised to get a waiting ticket numbered H222 to follow up on last week’s numerical coincidences. Beta had gone up to 1457.

Today I went in for the one beta that I was asked to do. It’s now up to 3535.

So that makes it 222-624-1457-3535. This week I realized that I have no idea what should happen when things go in the right direction. So I did a bit of googling (ok, a lot of googling..) and found that these levels as well as the doubling times (around 35hh) are in range. Which makes me cautiously very happy!

No more betas now. Next step is a scan on October 20th.

Before I leave you, I just wanted to thank you all from the very bottom of my heart for all the messages you sent last week. I was really touched. I know I’ve done the same a zillion times in the last years.. I always found the shared happiness and the long flow of messages for someone’s success beautiful. But living it from the other side made me realize even more how wonderful and kind you all are. Really, thank you!


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Not so lazy after all


My beta HCG at 10dp5dt today is 222.

For the record, I was born on 22 February. 222. I don’t believe in signs but I still like this coincidence.

My little lazy blastocyst was not that lazy after all…

I am so happy and excited, and exhausted from the waiting and scared that things may go wrong.. there’s so much that could still go wrong..

This is the first time I don’t POAS before the beta (I resisted the temptation only because I had to focus on work and couldn’t risk a breakdown before today). I didn’t know what to expect when I opened the PDF file with the results. After years of seeing 1s, and only once a 15, it was hard to believe that the three digit number was really for us.

It’s also the first time in all our IVF cycles that my husband was with me when reading the results: all other times he was away with friends or family. This time he was invited to go on a trip but decided to stay instead. I am so glad he stayed. Seeing his happy tears – through my own tears – was wonderful. Whatever happens from now on, today is a day I will not forget.


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Adoption meet up

I haven’t been talking much about adoption lately. Not that it hasn’t been on our minds, but since getting a long list of rejections from adoption agencies we’ve been feeling stuck and really down about the whole thing.

We still decided to go to a meet up of the local adoption association, which included adoptive families as well as other people trying to adopt. My my motivation to go had been low in the last days but I am really happy we went now.

It was a beautiful sunny day and seeing these families with adoptive children warmed up my heart and actually gave me some hope. When the new children were introduced with their families I couldn’t hold back tears. I was really ashamed until I saw I wasn’t the only one crying.

I also met lots of really nice people. I also finally met in person a lovely IVF buddy and her husband, which was really cool. Everyone was eager to talk, exchange and give suggestions. It was nice to be able to talk about adoption to people who have gone or are going through the same difficulties, to get good advice and encouragement, and generally to feel understood.

After this meet up, my husband and I went for a nice long walk in the woods and talked about adoption with a lot more hope than we have done in the last months. For the first time in months I feel like there may be a tiny chance that we may become adoptive parents one day, even if there is still a long way ahead.


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PUPO with a wee lazy blast!

Title says it all… I had one day-6 blastocyst transferred this morning. It’s the first time I have a blastocyst transferred – even if it’s a lazy one – so that’s exciting. The gynecologist said we have around 30% chances that it sticks. It’s better than nothing I guess. I do feel a bit sad about my 2 day-2 embryos, which did not make it to day 5, and my other blast, which did not thaw properly. I can’t say I’m surprised, and this is why I chose not to have them transferred at day 2 but it’s harder now that they are actually gone.

The nurse who announced we only had a blastocyst left was the coldest person on earth. Even my husband made a remark about it. She said like you would tell someone something completely emotionless, like your pizza fell on the floor so we’ll bring you a sandwich instead. And even then I think some people could have been more sympathetic in letting you know you are not to have pizza than she was to us today..

Things in preparation for this transfer look wonderful. The meds are successfully making their effect: I feel exhausted and nauseous and I even threw up a couple of times. Otherwise all my doctors are very happy with me. My lining is perfect. My blood test results came back perfect. My acupuncturist says my vital energy is perfect. The osteopath says that down there I am very “present” (whatever that means) and that all is perfect. I even got an injection to do as a prize for being so perfect.

I guess we did all that was possible… I can’t get myself to believe that this blastocyst will stick. But it doesn’t matter what I think. And I will still think of it for the next two weeks and try to do my best to make it feel welcome in its nest and hope with all my heart that it will prove me wrong.

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Outlander or how I lost my mind for a fictional character

It’s time to confess. I have been cheating on you, guys. But only a little bit.. Most of my long commute time, which I usually devote to blogs/twitter, has recently gone into the world of Outlander. I feel excused in this betrayal by the presence of a very hot Scottish man, the Scottish highlands and lots of people wearing kilts and speaking with a strong Scottish accent. If you do not share my passion for men in kilt, feel free to go straight to the end of this post where I tell you about yet another doomed FET..

My lovely sister found out about this TV show and bugged me until I started watching it. She needed someone to share her excitement with and know I would not let her down.. We both got so hooked up that we are now also reading the book [by the way, the book is a lot more explicit than the TV show.. I was a bit shocked by it..].

Outlander is basically the story of an English girl who goes on a trip to Scotland with her husband just after WW2. She ends up time travelling to 18th century Scotland, where she starts some crazy adventures and meets this super hot guy who is basically my ideal man: kind, smart, ginger, Scottish, strong accent, kilt and irresistible scruffy look.


I also like the lady in this book/TV show. Some things are so familiar: she’s English but finds herself living in Scotland (hence the title of the book Outlander) and she cannot conceive. I can’t but sympathize, being infertile, a foreigner living abroad (as well as in a land of wonder fertiles) and someone whose life rotates around the presence of a beautiful man (here she has it much better though as her hero wears a kilt).

No need to worry about my seldom appearances on blog/twitter land though.. Books do not last for ever.. what I think will last for ever though is my love for Scotland. Whether it’ll chose or not to remain part of the UK, Scotland certainly one of the most beautiful countries in the world and what I consider my second home  (one of these days I may have to admit third, but I’m not quite ready for that yet..).

Back to reality now! I went to see the gynecologist this morning. He checked my MRI results and thinks that I should not have an operation for now: the endo does not look severe, I am already doing IVF and he’d rather not risk it. We will probably have it done after this FET fails and we go on to an ovarian drilling.

Not much new on the FET: I started patches last week, I have been increasingly tired, the strong nausea has started and it will probably not leave me for while (in a dream world it would be a very long while, but I do not even dare to hope.. ). I will start progesterone tomorrow and I am scheduled to have the transfer on Wednesday. The lab will thaw my 2 day-2 embies on Sunday and put them in long culture until Wednesday. If they do not survive, they’ll thaw my 2 late blasts. If those don’t thaw… well… I guess I’ll just have to open a bottle of wine. Or two..  last news is that, of course, something came up at work and I have been asked to go for a short trip on Thursday. Every time I plan everything so well and every time something comes up… oh well, I doubt a short trip will make a difference to the outcome and it will keep me far from the stress of the office life..

I guess I will leave you with the motto of my new Scottish hero: “Je suis prest” or, in my case, “je suis prête”.

Posted in Books, Infertility, Movies&Co | Tagged , , , , , , | 17 Comments

A Heart’s Desire

HeartsDesire600pxA Heart’s Desire (Chronique d’un désir d’enfant en douce France) by Judith Uyterlinde  is the first book I read about an infertility journey. I remember desperately looking for books with infertility stories. I just wanted a book that would tell me: don’t worry, this happened to me too; I survived and so will you. This was the book I found.

I went to the bookstore and looked in several sections, including psychology and medicine, but I couldn’t find anything. Silly me, of course infertility books were in the maternity section.. [thanks bookstore managers for adding one more thing to the already long list of difficulties and humiliations in the life of an infertile. By the way, are books about death with ones about life? And ones about homeless in the the house design and decoration section? ]

Sorry, I’m digressing. Back to the book. I found it touching and honest. I could recognise so much of what I was going through in it. The writer describes so well the difficulties, the coping, the fighting, the despair that comes with infertility. But she also manages to convey the happiness and calm that come at the end of the journey, and how the huge storm of her infertility journey managed to highlight even more the beauty of the sunshine that followed. 

I can only hope that the storm will end soon for us too.

[And, if not, at least that infertility books get moved away from the maternity section!]

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